


Inside No. 11

by Political_Bastards



Category: Political RPF - UK 20th-21st c.
Genre: It must be stated that I half believe it to be true that, Nothing I write is ever serious, Philip Hammond is in fact a vampire, This continues that trend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-13 21:16:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16479905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Political_Bastards/pseuds/Political_Bastards
Summary: The Undertaker? Lurch? What if Philip Hammond were a creature of the night? One that didn't take himself too seriously.It's All Hallows Eve. Can you imagine our dear Chancellor appreciating the knock at the door?





	Inside No. 11

**31st October; Evening; Deepest, Darkest, Surrey.**

“ _Alright kids, just like all the other times, four knocks an then “Trick or Treat”._ ”

“ _But dad it’s dark up there, and Connor said that a creepy guy lives here._ ” Adrian looked down at his son who had dressed as a vampire for the night. He bent down to his level and put a hand on his cheek.

“ _Ry, who cares how creepy he is? I think you’re pretty creepy tonight with that blood running down you chin._ ” Ryan giggled at the thought of his dad finding him creepy because of the dye his mum had added to his make up. Ryan nodded and put on the best brave face he could. “ _I’ll be right behind you guys._ ” Standing up straight, he looked at his son proudly.

“ _Besides, whatever terrifying monster is lurking behind the door, he’s no match for me, monster hunter extraordinaire-_ ” *BANG BANG BANG BANG* Adrian jumped and looked to the source of the banging. It was Izzy, he daughter who had dressed up as a cat. She was stood by the door and presumably had just knocked.

“ _IZZY! Dad was talking to Ryan, couldn’t you have waited?_ ” That was Nathan, the oldest of Adrian’s three children. He’d come out as Wolverine. He hadn’t wanted to, but Sarah, his wife had told him he had to go with his younger siblings.

“ _Nathan, don’t shout at her, you used to do that as well._ ” The kid went red, and apologised under his breath to his sister. “ _Right, get in position and don’t forget what to say._ ” They waited a moment, before the door opened.

It was a man, The man Ryan had probably mentioned. He hadn’t turned the light on in his hallway, and appeared to have put on some make-up to make himself appear pale, and put some fake fangs in. Adrian smiled inwardly at his effort. He hadn’t gone too much over the top though, given he hadn’t dressed up like Dracula, instead looking like he’d just come in from his job in the City.

“ _TRICK OR TREAT!!!_ ” The man visibly flinched, and Adrian appreciated the thought the man had put into making sure he looked like he was frightened by the children. The moment done with, the man looked out at the children, surveying them, emotionless. His eyes passed over them all, taking them in, and the details of the costumes.

“ _What do you want? Why are you all dressed like that?_ ” Izzy hissed at the man, Adrian tapped her, to tell her no. The man looked at Ryan. “ _You’re not a vampire._ ” Ryan looked back at him, unsure of what to say.

“ _Yeah, he is. Can’t you see the blood?_ ” The man locked eyes with Adrian, who was confused. “ **He dressed up better than you.** ” The man tilted his head.

“ _Dressed up?_ ”

“ _Yeah, it’s Halloween mate._ ”

“ _Halloween?_ ”

“ _Look, have you got anything for the kids, or shall we just move on?_ ”

“ _Why would I have anything for them?_ ” Was he just messing with them? Surely he knew what to do.

“ _Like sweets or something?_ ”

“ _Sweets? But why?_ ” The man looked at the kids again, Ryan was leaning against Adrian, Izzy was quietly growling at the man, and Nathan looked bored. He was not looking forward to when the teenage years came.

“ _Because that’s what you do on Halloween?_ ” He must know.

“ _Sweets? Sweets. Sweets…_ ” The man walked off into his house, and Adrian looked at the kids, putting a hand on Ryan’s shoulder to reassure him.

“ _Izzy, do you think you could stop growling? You might scare the man off._ ” Izzy stopped growling and meowed at her dad. Good enough. “ _Nathan, could you try to look a little more interested?_ ” “ _I don’t want to be here._ ” “ _Well tough_.”

The man reappeared. “ _Is this what you mean?_ ” He held out some KitKats.The kids took one each. There was one left over. Well if the man was offering, he’d take one too.

“ _Yeah, that’s good enough._ ” Adrian took a step forward, and went to take the bar, and the man took a step backwards. He had been stood behind the children, so the man hadn’t gotten a good look at his costume.

“ _Are you a Van Helsing?_ ” Adrian grinned, and tipped his hat to the man. “ _Yes sir, I am, glad it’s recognisable._ ” Adrian was sure the man hissed at that. Perhaps he was a fairly good character actor. Actually, up close his make up seemed more detailed. His lips stained a deeper red and a little bit of red on his fangs.

“ _And you plan to use that stake?_ ” The man eyed up the piece of wood Adrian attached to his belt. Putting on a voice, he replied “ _Only to hunt creatures of the night._ ” The man frowned, and Adrian took the chance to thank him, before turning around and sending the kids back down the path to leave.

Half way down the drive, Adrian remembered something, and told the kids to stop and wait. He went back and knocked on the door again. The man reappeared, and not being able to resist, he yelled “ _TRICK OR TREAT!!!_ ”

The man jumped in fright again, and Adrian laughed out an apology. “ _Oh, I’m sorry Mr Hammond, too good an opportunity to miss, and I know you love us taking opportunities._ ” Mr Hammond frowned at him again.

“ _I just wanted to let you know that there are a few of dead rabbits around your house, and I think you might have a Fox problem._ ” He looked confused for a moment, “ _No, Liam hasn’t been around here-_ ” and then he grinned, moving into the moonlight, showing off his fangs, which looked more realistic now he’d had a better view. “ _-we had a rabbit problem, and I dealt with them. I’m glad you appreciate my work._ ”

Adrian was sure if he was implying he’d savaged the animals personally, because they’d been torn apart, or if he’d let his terrier at them. Either way, it wasn’t a pleasant thought. And he politely said goodbye and turned to leave.

“ _Oh and by the way Mr Van Helsing-_ ” Adrian turned back and looked at Mr Hammond who was waving the KitKat at him, “ _-Your children might have had a treat, but you didn’t, and be sure to expect a trick in the coming days. You’re children will not be trained in your cruel ways._ ”

Adrian didn’t know what that meant, but Hammond just smiled at him, so he left, meeting up with the children and not looking back again. “ _You know, I think you were right about him, Ryan, he is creepy._ ” The sight of one of the rabbits in the distance sent a shiver up his spine.

**1st November; Noon; House of Commons, Westminster**

“ _-and so to fund this settlement that we agreed in July, as well as all the other plans I have announced today, I must concede that taxes must rise. The basic rate of income tax will be raised to forty-five percent for the next five years, to provide for the extra money I have given to Universal Credit, and to prepare for the outcomes of the spending review. Furthermore, this extra money for the exchequer will be used to help finalise preparations in case of a no deal Brexit and keep the country running as smoothly as possible-_ ”

**1st November; Noon; Somewhere in Surrey**

“ _That bastard. I voted for him, and this is what we get._ ” Sarah laughed at him, and he crossed his arms unhappily.

“ _I told you you should have voted for that Liberal fellow._ ” Adrian snorted. “ _What kind of idiot would vote Liberal?_ ” Sarah hit him on the head. “ _Okay, Okay, I’m sorry. But even if I did, it wouldn’t change the fact that he would have won anyway._ ”

**1st November; Noon; House of Commons, Westminster**

“ _-additionally, our children may all enjoy Halloween, and the fun they get from asking strangers for sweets, but it does nothing to help combat obesity. Therefore, I will be extending the sugar tax  so it applies to all sweets, chocolate and biscuit bars, at a ten percent rate. The next generation of adults should be the healthiest and fittest we’ve ever seen-_ ”

A loud cheer went up in the chamber, and Hammond took sip of his red wine.

**1st November; Noon; Somewhere in Surrey**

“ _It’s official. I hate him._ ” Sarah said aloud, “ _He’s just talking crap about being healthy, and drinking in the middle of the day._ ” She switched off the TV. “ _Does he just hate children?_ ”

Adrian considered that. “ _You know, I met him last night. And I think he might. He’s really-_ ” He thought back to the night before, and his last topic of conversation. “ _\- He’s weird. First he didn’t seem to understand that it was Halloween, and was really jumpy. And then he seemed to imply that he might have killed some of the local wildlife, and then he said he was going to play a trick on me or something._ ”

Sarah sighed. “ _Well I guess we know what the trick is now._ ” She paused. “ _When you say creepy, you don’t mean like-?_ ” Adrian shook his head, “ _No. Not at all. He’s just bloody weird._ ”

“ _BLOODY weird, eh?_ ” Adrian snorted, “ _I guess we know what was in his glass then,_ ” he replied, nodding to the TV. She laughed at his joke and they both continued discussing what his proposals would mean for them.

**1st November; Evening; 10 Downing Street, Flat, Westminster**

Philip Hammond sits watching the news, draining the blood of a fresh rabbit into a cup, laughing at the Van Helsing man who came to ruin the evening of a proud creature of night.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything in a while, and don't consider myself a good writer. This is just my attempt to get back into it. It's short, the formatting isn't good, but I'm trying.
> 
> And nothing I ever write is serious, don't take this seriously.


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